


I Only Want What I Can't Have

by ScaredOfHam



Category: Persona 4, Persona Series
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, M/M, Plot, Souji has a backstory, Wow the summary sounds so damn pretentious fuck, ball jokes, i suck, i will add more tags when i remember how to think, i'm trash, just realized it shouldnt be rated g oops, lots of homophobia actually because i mean well yosuke yeah, so many ball jokes, souyo - Freeform, yosuke being a yosuke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 15:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12257313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScaredOfHam/pseuds/ScaredOfHam
Summary: “Yosuke… I’m going out with Kou.”Whether he would admit it or not, Yosuke had been expecting (and hoping for) something… very... ur… well, something about himself. And Souji. He’d been (secretly but positively) 100% sure that those words would come out. So when they didn’t, it took his mind a moment to realize this, then even longer to grab onto the words Souji had actually voiced that had made him such a wreck. It took several long, long moments for it to sink in, and when it did-“What the fuck?!?”~~~~~~~~~Yosuke thought Souji would confess something to him that may or not be secretly reciprocated, only to find out his best friend is going gay for the star of the basketball team. And that was the easy part...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I still don't understand A03 formatting at all I'm really sorry ahhh *shot*

Yosuke saw that familiar, enticing flash of silver and quickly swerved his bike to the side. He couldn’t believe he’d actually taken his bike, couldn’t believe his heartbeat had been erratic since he’d received that text: _Can you come meet me at the riverbed? I have something important to tell you. Come alone._

            Luck blessed him for once as he didn’t crash, actually parking in a way that was kinda cool. Yosuke yanked his headphones down to his neck and hastily started towards Souji, his mind racing. What the hell could possibly be going on? He wasn’t sure why he was so eager to find out; or, at least, he wouldn’t admit to occasionally being aware of those flickers of want going through his subconsciousness… Anyway! Whatever it was had to be something huge: otherwise he wouldn’t have tried to make sure that Yosuke came alone. (Though what the fuck did Souji think he’d do, bring Teddie? Eh, who honestly gave a fuck considering what was about to happen?)

 

            “Hey, partner!” Yosuke greeted him with a wave and a wink, the standard Yosukian greeting.

 

            “Hey.” Yosuke’s eyes widened at his nervous tone; the smile he was offering him was strained, and his cheeks were dusted with the kind of pink you’d see on chibi anime girls confessing to their crushes. What the hell…?

 

            “So, what’s going on?” The brown-eyed teen was getting a bit nervous; dragging this on would be too much for him to take.

 

            “Um… sit down.”

 

            “Uh, okay.” Yosuke awkwardly obeyed.

 

            After a few moments of extremely fucking awkward silence, Yosuke added, “So, are you gonna sit down too, or…?’’

 

            “Oh! Oh, yeah.” And then he plopped down next to him, his eyes on the ground.

 

            What the fuck…?

 

            “Souji…?”

 

            “I’m sorry, I’m just… nervous.” He cleared his throat, dragging his hand through his hair. He looked about as flustered as someone who had just walked in on an orgy between his other siblings. What was going on…?!?

 

            “Just spit it out.” Yosuke pressed, moving so that Souji had no choice but to meet his eyes. “You know you can tell me anything. After all those times you were there for me… I’m sure as hell always gonna be here for you, man.” He couldn’t help but remember the last time they’d been here together, when they’d got into a “fight” and Jiraiya had transformed into Susano-O. Was Souji about to confess something to him…?

 

            Oh, why was his heart racing like this…?

 

            “Uh… Okay. Th-... Thanks… Okay.” He relaxed ever so slightly, finally meeting Yosuke’s gaze of his own will. “You can’t tell anyone, okay?”

 

            “You know I won’t.”

 

            “O… Okay. Okay.” He buried his hands in his pockets; Yosuke could see them fidgeting even through the cloth. He couldn’t help but get excited in response; this was the only time Souji had ever been _nervous…_ And what could it be that he was so nervous about…? “Please don’t freak out, okay?”

 

            Souji waited for his nod before he pushed on.

 

            “Yosuke… I’m going out with Kou.”

 

            Whether he would admit it or not, Yosuke had been expecting (and hoping for) something… very... ur… well, something about _himself._ And Souji. He’d been (secretly but positively) 100% sure that _those_ words would come out. So when they didn’t, it took his mind a moment to realize this, then even longer to grab onto the words Souji had actually voiced and that had made him such a wreck. It took several long, long moments for it to sink in, and when it did-

 

            “What the fuck?!?”

 

            Souji looked as if he’d been slapped. “I.. I _knew_ you’d be upset-”

 

            “Oh, come on, drop it. This is some bullshit, fam.”

 

            His expression seemed oh, so fucking pained in response to Yosuke’s words. “Yosu-”

 

            “Look, I know you’re joking, man. And it’s actually really lame. And that’s coming from ME, so you’re DEFINITELY doing something wrong.”

 

            Now it was Souji’s turn to sit there flabbergasted for a minute as he tried to process what was going on. “You… You actually think I’m joking about this?”

 

            Yosuke snorted. “Come on, dude, just drop it.”

 

            “Why would I joke-”

 

            “Because most people would find it funny, but frankly, that kind of shit’s just really really REALLY gross. So I guess it was supposed to be amusing when I fell for it, and then Kou jumps out and… I dunno, throws some balls at me or something.” He craned his neck, scanning for the purple-haired boy. “So where is he?”

 

            Souji’s gaze returned to the ground. “He’s out telling Daisuke. We… didn’t want to lie about it to everyone, definitely not… our friends… But we’re only telling the… the t-two most important people to us.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry, I never should have told you…” He looked and sounded like he was about to cry, and that was enough to make Yosuke start to doubt this was some prank.

 

            “Souji, don’t… Wait. Did you say _I’m_ the most important…?”

 

            He didn’t answer.

 

            “Nanako…”

 

            “She’s my sister. But you’re my partner.” He said it so honestly, so confidently, it honestly hurt Yosuke’s soul. “Plus, Kou trusts you, too.”

 

            Yosuke was now watching the ground too; apparently the shitty dirt by the shitty river in this shitty town was some shitty good entertainment today. “Look… You’re not joking, right? Because if you are I’m going to be majorly pissed.”

 

            “I’m not.” The silent seconds melted into silent minutes. Tension so thick it was palpable, soundlessness so loud it was deafening, until Souji interrupted it with the quietest, most pitiable whisper Yosuke had ever heard: “Please don’t hate me.”

 

Hearing him sound like that… It felt like he was being stabbed. “What- no! Ugh, I could never hate you, Souji!”

 

Souji looked back up at him hopefully. “So you’re okay with it?”

 

Apparently Yosuke’s discomfort was clear on his features despite how hard he was attempting to hide it, as Souji winced. “Fuck, I knew you wouldn’t want to hear this…”

 

“Fuck? Damn, Souji, I’ve never heard you cuss like that before!” Yosuke attempted to break the tension but he gave up as he saw Souji’s expression sour further. “Look, Souji. I won’t hate you, no matter what crazy shit you do.”

 

Souji didn’t comment on the fact that his best friend had just implied his boyfriend was some “crazy shit,” like dating Kou was the equivalent of vandalizing the school or shoving puppies into the TV on a foggy day. “Th… Thanks, Yosuke.” Souji knew Yosuke well enough to realize he was _trying,_ and for that he was definitely grateful. 

 

He nodded awkwardly. “No matter what, we’re always partners, okay…?”

 

“Okay…” After another pause, he added, “But you can’t tell anyone. Not Chie, not Yukiko, not Rise, and oh God please don’t tell Nanako-”

 

“But I can tell Kanji, riiiiight~?” At this Souji gave him a hint of a smile, and Yosuke felt a rush of satisfaction (Souji didn’t actually think it was funny, but he’d do anything to make things be semi-normal again after this.)

 

“Please don’t.”

 

“I know, I know.” Pause. Pregnant pause. Yosuke-couldn’t-take-this-anymore pause. He made a big show of fishing his phone out of his pocket and checking the time. “Oh, crap! I’m sorry, I should have been helping Dad out at Junes ages ago.” He got to his feet without looking back. “See ya later, partner!”

 

“Bye.” Souji answered softly, feeling his heart sink. He’d told Kou everything Yosuke would say about Kanji (leaving his name out, of course) but Kou had insisted that he and Souji and Yosuke and Daisuke would always be friends no matter what, and they needed people to know, both emotionally and strategically because Yosuke and Daisuke could help cover for them, and he didn’t want any rifts between them from lying and then finding out, so it’d definitely be better telling them now.

 

God, Kou was such a dumbass.

 

_Ping!_ Souji swiped out his phone, reading Kou’s message: _How’d it go?_

_It went okay. Daisuke?_

He got a reply almost instantly: _GR8! Did something happen w/ Yosuke tho?_

Souji sighed, then went ahead and replied: _No, of course not._

 

            ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

           

            Yosuke was pedaling like his life depended on it, like if he strained the fuck out of his legs he’d focus on that instead of the billions of thoughts rushing through his head.

 

            Souji was a queer…? What the fuck?!?

 

            He couldn’t go to Junes. There was no way in hell he could pretend to be normal after… that. Before he knew it, he found himself carelessly throwing his bike at the summit of the hill he’d shown Souji so long ago, or at least what felt like so long ago. Trudging upwards, he felt his legs ache, felt his _mind_ ache.

 

            Souji. Respectable, perfect Souji is a faggot. A part of him that he didn’t want to acknowledge was quite satisfied to finally feel like Yosuke himself had done something right while perfect Souji had fucked up (though he’d sooner confess to that twisted pride and feel like an asshole than… that other thing he felt and feel like a girl.)

 

            As his thought cleared somewhat from the rush of cool air breezing in at the summit of the hill, he realized that, yet again, Souji had brought out that… envy inside of him. But why? He wasn’t jealous of _him,_ he didn’t wanna date _Kou!_

 

            Then… did that mean that was jealous _of_ Kou…?

 

            Yosuke slumped down at the top of the hillhell, buried his face between his knees, and screamed the word “fuck” over and over and over and over…

 

            His throat stung. Yosuke stopped, sitting criss-cross and glaring down at the tiny shapes of Inaba below him. “What the fuck, Souji…” Yosuke grumbled, hugging himself tightly. How could Souji not see how fucked up this shit was? Guys didn’t want to fuck guys!

 

            Thinking about it now, Souji had never really seemed to enjoy it all that much when Yosuke would joke about Kanji’s sexuality. Had he been… like _this_ all along without Yosuke realizing it?

 

            And why would Souji even tell him this, anyway? Why was he so disappointed Souji had told him that instead of…? What was it he’d _wanted_ Souji to say? And why was it that, despite how repulsed he was, he was still happy that Souji had said he was the most important person to him?

 

            Yosuke shoved his headphones back on, somehow successfully drowning out his thoughts with the music.


	2. Chapter 2

Balls. Balls polished by Kou’s careful handiwork, pounding the ground in such a soothing, even _captivating_ rhythm… Souji had an all new appreciation for ~~balls~~  basketball practice, what with the new stolen smiles between him and Kou every few minutes and the fact that he could now stare at the way that gorgeous, dark hair pressed slickly against Kou’s smooth, pale skin from sweat without worrying that Kou would notice this and freak out. And now, when the other boys all took off at the end of practice, Kou’s expression didn’t wither; being left  to clean balls wasn’t such a cruel fate anymore, not when Souji was here to do it with him.

 

Kou turned to him the second the last remaining player of their still-miniscule team had left. “Woo, I thought that would never fucking end!” God, he looked so adorable with his face flushed and those tiny beads of sweat trickling down his face… And his eyes, so bright again, so _happy_ again, like when Souji had first met him, but… even brighter now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I feel the same.”

 

Kou snickered, affectionately punching his shoulder. “Lighten up, man! It’s just me.” He tilted his head slightly. “Actually, today it really is just me and you. Daisuke…” His face reddened for a different reason now. “Daisuke said we should go on a d-date or something, so he didn’t wanna tag along.” He rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. “The funny thing is, I honestly think he meant it. Like, he’s not just making excuses so he doesn’t have to hang out with us.”

 

“That does sound like Daisuke.”

 

Kou’s lips tugged upwards. “Yeah, he said he was okay with anything as long as we’re happy. I was really nervous, honestly. He’s been my friend since forever.” He winced. “But then again, that’d be nothing compared to… I mean, if my parents…”

 

“They won’t. Trust me.” Souji assured him confidently. After all, if anyone could keep a huge world-altering secret, it was him.

 

He laughed softly. “Ah, you always seem so confident. I love it-” His face flushed deeper. “A-Anyway! Wanna go to Aiya?”

 

“Sounds romantic.”

 

Kou snickered. “Totally.”

 

Souji rolled his eyes. “How about Junes?”

 

“Hmmm. Junes is the most romantic place for couples to go in this shitty town.” At this, they both laughed. Oh, how Kou loved this; even when he was flustered, it wasn’t embarrassing or the all-consuming kind he’d frequently suffered around Chie. For some reason, Souji just… never seemed tense. About anything. Kou was used to a constant state of tension, from his family (for obvious reasons), that lingering (though dim) anxiety that the team was going to get disbanded since it was so irrelevant, and of course, the concern he and Daisuke felt for each other as they both seemed to always manage to fuck everything, excluding their friendship, up. But Souji was just… perpetually calm. He wasn’t judgemental to anyone, and maybe that was why half the school loved him and the other half worshipped him. Yet despite that, Souji had chosen Kou, of all people. And when they’d confessed their feelings for each other, Souji had known all the right things to say, as if he had helped a lot of people deal with their repressed emotions or maybe he was literally somehow Googling the answers… Or something. But that didn’t really matter too much, as Kou wasn’t really too dramatic or conformist by nature, so they’d moved past… that part of two Japanese boys being together pretty fast.

 

At last, they managed to stop laughing and Souji tried his first serious suggestion: “How about my place?”

 

The boy’s eyes widened. “You mean, like… _that_ way…?”

 

“No. But Nanako is at a friend’s and my uncle’s working tonight, so if the balls take us somewhere…”

 

The sound of their laughter echoed in the empty gymnasium.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Yosuke felt his cell vibrate and, as always, a spark of excitement from the fact that he had now had friends that texted him went off in his chest, only to quickly be drowned out by a groan of disappointment.

 

Yet another text from Kanji:

 

_Y wont Soujisenpai do sumtin?!?_

Yosuke ignored it. Five minutes later:

 

_Dammit anser me Yosuk!!!!_!

 

Yosuke rolled his eyes as he typed, _Dude chill the fuck out & did u rlly just use senpai 4 him but not me?!? AND spell my name wrong?!?_

 

_Srry Yosukesenpai I’m just worried bout him_

 

These homosexuals were driving Yosuke insane. _Look, our leader knows what hes doing and Naotos gonna b fine._

He thought Kanji would leave it at that, but of course, he could never be that lucky. _Hes ur prtnr tlk 2 him!!!!_

 

Yosuke deleted the list of curse words he’d instinctively typed, settling on a simple:

 

_K._

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“K-chan, welcome to the gates of hell again.”

 

Kou rolled his eyes. “Please. I don’t mind my name anymore, especially not when you say it. Oh, and that joke was pretty lame, man.” He chuckled as he stepped inside, smiling at the familiar layout of the Dojima residence.

 

“Or maybe you just can’t comprehend my perfect sense of humor. That’s understandable. Your braincells rot when you spend that much time playing with balls, after all.”

 

God, Souji loved the way Kou sounded when he laughed. And how easy it was to make Kou happy… It was so fucking precious. Eventually he managed to huff out, “D-Dammit, quit with the ball jokes! My sides h-hurt-” He broke off into more laughter and Souji was grinning so hard and stupidly his face was surely about to break.

 

_Ping._

 

The gray-haired teen immediately pulled his phone out, (swiftness became an instinct when people might die depending on your choices) to be greeted by a loving text from Yosuke-

 

_Where the fuck r u?_

 

_My house._

 

“Who’re ya texting?”

 

“Yosuke.”

 

“Ah, tell him I said hi!”

 

_Don’t tell me ur w/ him rn?!?_

 

_I am. He said hi._

 

_WTF DUDE!?!_

 

“He says hi, too.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Yosuke waited. And waited. But soon enough, it became obvious Souji had no intention of responding. Sighing in frustration, he put his phone up and continued to violently fold the latest shipment of Junes-brand clothes.

 

As annoying as he was, Kanji was right; Souji should have gone to the TV today, but no, he was at his house with his boyfriend-

 

Yosuke cringed. God, all those ball jokes Kou made...That surely must mean…

 

He was going to throw up. How could Souji prioritize a guy over Naoto’s life? And if he really didn’t feel like going today, he could just, you know, hand out with his  _real_  partner for once…!

 

Stupid Kou had everything. Friends, good lucks, girls, talent, but he’d had to just go ahead and take the _one_ good thing from Yosuke’s life. What a fucking friend.

 

...Fuck, why was he so  _pissed_?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After several hours of talking, they’d decided to “watch a movie,” which really meant cuddling on Souji’s futon and making crude ball jokes, but after a while of that Kou had somehow fallen asleep in his arms.

 

It was honestly the cutest fucking thing Souji had ever seen. He was snoring so softly, the sound strangely endearing, his dark lashes spread out so peacefully, such a stark, pleasant contrast against such pale skin, and oh he smelled so good, that boyish scent of sweat and something sweeter beneath it, the lingering aroma of the candles/air-conditioning/whatever the Ichijo’s used to keep their home smelling like privilege, and his hair was so adorably ruffled up and he was still holding Souji so tightly, and he could see every detail of the muscles in his arms like this, and oh, Souji was literally going to die…

 

Whatever they’d been watching had long since gone off, so Souji could simply relax and listen to Kou’s breathing like a creeper until he heard the door open, as he knew he couldn’t go to sleep and risk Dojima coming home and finding out- he trusted his uncle, but he couldn’t take chances, not with Kou’s parents being the way they were.

 

_Ping._

 

Souji inwardly cursed, then veryveryveryvery carefully moved one of his arms away from Kou and into his pocket. It was literally 1 in the morning on Sunday. Who the fuck would-

 

_Ldr wtf we hav 2 save Naoto!!!!!1_

 

Souji sighed. _We will._

 

_Wer runnin outa time!!!!!_

_We’re going in soon, alright?_

 

_We need 2 go 2moro!!!!!_

_Go to sleep, Kanji._

_DONT TELL ME 2 GO 2 SLEEP WE HAVE 2 SAVE HIM!!!!_

Souji turned his phone off, burying his face in Kou’s hair, and, for just a moment, tried to hide from his responsibilities. Everyone wanted to know how he was oh so fucking perfect; with parents like his, he’d had no choice but to be that way. Inaba was supposed to be a long-needed break, but no. Now, people’s lives were depending on him and he had no choice but to meet every expectation or let another innocent person die. The one person he could completely relax with was Kou. Sure, his problems were horrible, but Souji could help him with that without actually trying too hard. All he had to do, really, was listen. He didn’t understand why so many people couldn’t listen to their partners, even though that was all the other person wanted; being a shoulder to cry on was the easiest thing Souji had done in years, maybe his whole life.

 

But he couldn’t let Naoto die, obviously. Kanji was right; he’d been so caught up in Kou lately that they hadn’t made much progress, despite the ominous weather forecast.

 

He would have to be the perfect Souji Seta, Leader of the Investigation Team, Visitor to the Velvet Room and Doomed to Perpetually Suffer in Silence soon enough,

 

But for now, at least, he could just be Kou’s boyfriend.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Ah’right! Now everybody listen the hell up! We’re gonna go in there, and kick everybody’s ass! Including Naoto’s! Got it-”

 

Souji cleared his throat. “While I truly do appreciate that, Kanji, I’ll handle the strategy.”

 

“O-Oh.” Kanji’s face flushed. “Yeah! Everybody better listen damn good to Senpai, dammit!”

 

Rise giggled, Yukiko went into hysterical laughter, and Yosuke tried to keep his eyes from rolling out of his skull. Kanji wanted Naoto’s dick and Souji wanted Kou’s- for once, he was the most macho guy here, especially since his biggest competition was Teddie, for fuck’s sake…

 

“So what’s the plan, Souji?” Chie asked, stretching out those terrifying, ball-crushing legs.

 

“We’ll discuss it in there, just like always. For now, let’s focus on getting inside without anyone noticing.”

 

The teens formed the same human wall as usual, sneaking in as Souji stood guard to make sure no one noticed what was going on. It was just an extra precaution; people probably wouldn’t come at all, but if someone did, they would just see something that looked like a circle jerk with one awkward gray-haired boy standing off to the side. The newest people always went first, so before long it was down to Yosuke and Souji’s original duo.

 

Abruptly Souji spoke, watching the ground yet again. “Can we… go back to the way we were before?”

 

“Huh?” Yosuke blinked. “What do you mean?” He had been busting his ass off to try to be normal around the boy he still considered his best friend, but apparently he’d fucked that up, too. Go him. He honestly wasn't sure how Souji had even noticed, considering how little they’d talked since… that had happened.

 

“Come on, Yosuke. You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He dragged his hand restlessly through his hair, those perfect strands of gray that always did something odd to Yosuke’s pulse for some mysterious reason. “Do you… not want to talk to me anymore?”

 

God, why was Souji acting like such a girl? “I would never stop wanting to talk to you. I’ve just been worried.”

 

“About me and Kou?”

 

“No, about the fact that Naoto is literally going to die if we don’t do something!” He didn’t mean to scream; it’d just… happened.

 

Souji looked so hurt that even though Yosuke knew he was right, he wished he hadn’t said it. “...C’mon, partner. Let’s go before Kanji gets an ulcer.”

 

Souji nodded emotionlessly. Yosuke tried to be emotionless himself (and pretend he didn’t currently feel like the scum of the earth yet again) as he went inside the TV, leaving Souji alone.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Alone wasn’t the worst way to spend time, Kou knew that, but it typically sucked to be alone in Junes, and today was no exception. The star of the basketball team sighed, his eyes listlessly flicking over the bright packaging of Junes brand this and that.

 

Souji had said he would be busy today, and Daisuke had practice (where Kou would also be if his parents hadn’t sent him on a shopping errand.)

 

Expensive food for an expensive party for expensive people. While he was no longer worried about fitting in, it was still pretty fucking boring. He’d really rather make some dumb ball jokes with Souji, the only person other than Daisuke that really appreciated the beauty of them.

 

Daisuke… God, he was so glad he wasn’t all weird about it like he’d figured out Yosuke must be acting simply from Souji’s eyes whenever Yosuke’s name was mentioned (but he didn’t want to press Souji for info; he hoped he would eventually confide in him as Kou had in Souji.) No, Daisuke had been perfectly chill about the whole thing, but with how much time he was spending with Souji lately, Kou didn’t get to see his best friend anymore regardless.

 

They’d been friends since childhood, but kou hadn’t realized how incomplete he’d feel simply from not talking as much recently because they’d both got busy…

 

...Okay, from Kou ignoring him. Goddammit, he was a shit friend. He needed to make it up to him somehow-

 

The sound of a raised voice snapped him back to reality. Yosuke’s raised voice, in fact. Without even thinking of it, Kou instinctively started for the source of the noise, the electronics department.

 

By the time he got there, though, Yosuke was nowhere to be seen. Just Souji standing there seeming quite distracted. Most people would probably have thought they had just found out their boyfriend had made an excuse to be away from them, but that notion didn’t cross his mind. Nor did the thought that Souji was probably down about something Yosuke must have said before apparently vanishing into thin air. No, Kou was a teenage boy that had seen his best friend standing there without realizing his presence, and he reacted in the exact manner one would expect.

 

He crouched down, sneaking up a few steps behind him, a few more, one more… Souji had no idea he was coming, just kept staring at that TV…

 

“BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!!!!”

 

The gray-haired teen’s heart lunged up to his throat as he felt someone tackle into him from behind, somehow managing to whirl around in time to see Kou holding him before Souji stumbled backwards, letting out a sharp, feminine squeak.

 

Kou snickered at the reaction, about to speak but, Souji had totally lost balance to the point that he was falling back, and Kou vaguely realized that he was going to fall in the TV, and he hastily tried to pull him back, except it was already too late, but instead of hearing glass shatter Souji went… inside of the TV…!?! He was holding onto him so tightly and before he could let out a girly shriek of his own the screen was growing and sucking him in and-

 

Screaming. Falling. Landing. Painfully.

 

There were a few moments of silence from the Investigation Team, then Rise was screaming and everyone looked terrified except Yosuke and Kanji, who, as if listening to a prompt only gays could hear, simultaneously cried out those three little words that described everything in all of their lives perfectly- “What the fuck?!?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh sorry this took so long! And idk me and my guy friends constantly do that thing Kou does where we scream bitch and jump on each other so hopefully other guys do that too


	3. Chapter 3

“What the fuck!?!”

 

Kou’s eyes were the size of two Junes-brand flat-screens. “The… The TV-” He and Souji were still tangled on the floor, and as the Investigation Team gawked at them, they all realized they had never once seen their leader look as horrified and helpless as he did right now.

 

“He’s not supposed to be here, right?” Rise, their newest member, asked frantically, dragging a hand through all that hair in an attempt to reassure herself with the touch of something familiar.

 

“Hell no!” Yosuke cried, his voice semi-hysterical. “Souji, what the fuck are you doing?!?” Had he seriously decided to take his fucking boyfriend in here? Surely the Souji he knew couldn’t be that stupid? But… Then again, Souji had been disappointing Yosuke a lot recently…

 

The gray-haired boy still hadn’t moved, and Yosuke almost thought he could see tears in his eyes. (Which honestly made him want to die, so hopefully he was just imagining it…) “I don’t… I don’t know…”

 

“What the fuck is this place…?” Kou wheezed, his skin the exact same shade as milk. He moved away from Souji, glancing around at everything in overt terror. “Is that… the Junes mascot?”

 

“Yes, this _is_ the Junes mascot that is bear-y upset that _Sensei_ of all people would take someone into my world-”

 

Souji interrupted, “I didn’t _take_ him here!” Kou looked like his mind was about to snap, which it quite frankly was. Come to think of it, he’d never seen the boy inside that bear suit, and had he seriously just called this place _his world?_ “What happened was just that he snuck up behind me and I fell with him-”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!?” Kanji roared as he stepped closer, his expression murderous. “You REALLY-”

 

“HEY! TIME _OUT!_ ” Yukiko screamed, cutting everyone off.

 

Chie chimed in, “Look, none of us understood what was going on when we first came in here, and this screaming is just making it way worse for him-” On the last word, she gestured towards Kou, and even after re-considering his sexuality he still found himself blushing from being acknowledged by the girl he’d had a crush on for so damn long.

 

Souji finally got to his feet, and Kou did his best not to jump up and cling onto him for support, hugging himself instead. He just didn’t… understand…

 

“I guess we should explain, right?” Yosuke ventured. After all, Kou was still his friend, and if what Souji said was true (as it seemed to be), then he genuinely felt bad for him… kind of… “Uh… we’re in a TV, man.”

 

“Is this a joke?” For some reason, Souji looked pained at Kou’s question.

 

Nevertheless, his boyfriend answered, “No. We all have the power to go into the TV, and since I was there, you came with me.”

 

“What… Why?!?”

 

“We don’t know. But we have to go in here to save people.”

 

“Save people…?”

 

“Yes. Those serial murder cases… The new would-be victims got thrown in here and we rescue them before they can die.”

 

“H-How?”

 

“Well, we all have Personas, which are these things you get after you face the darkest parts of yourself while in the TV world-”

 

“Alright, there’s your crash course!” Kanji interrupted. “Now get the fuck out! We’ve gotta save Naoto, dammit!”

 

“Kanji-” Souji started.

 

“If we don’t go right now, I’m going by my damn self-”

 

“Fine.” Souji sighed. “Go on without me, I’ll take him back.”

 

“Senpai!” Rise cried, her mouth hanging open. “What are you talking about? We can’t go without our leader!”

 

“I’ll do it.” Yosuke abruptly volunteered.

 

Souji looked torn. “But I need you-”

 

 _I need you._ No one else had needed him and it should have made Yosuke happy but instead he wanted to cry and- and- and beat the shit out of Kou, yeah, that was it. All of this… awkwardness was Kou’s fault. He took Souji away from him and it just wasn’t fucking fair!

 

Of course, it hurt Souji to say the words as much as it hurt Yosuke to hear them. He did need him, and yet the two were definitely drifting apart… He didn’t want to lose him, the thought was enough to make him want to cry and- and-

 

“No, I’ve got this.” Yosuke’s voice suddenly became cold. “You’ll be fine without me.” It was… bullshit. Bullshit all around. Souji didn’t _need_ him, obviously. No one did- no matter who it was, everyone would _always_ pick someone else over him. He wasn’t first on anyone’s list of people they gave a shit about, not even his own, and fuck he probably wasn’t even second place for anyone, or third and shit how could Souji have led their… _friendship_ on like that? How could Kou steal the most important thing to Yosuke if they were supposed to be _friends?!?_

 

At his tone, Chie flashed a confused glance to Yukiko, who returned the gesture with a confused shrug; why did it seem like there was so much… _more_ going on here…?

 

“Ah’right! Bye, Yosuke-senpai! Let’s fuckin’ _go_ already!” Without further ado, Kanji started towards Naoto’s laboratory.

 

“A- I- Th- Thank you, Yosuke.” Souji struggled to speak, wishing he could calm down enough to think semi-coherently at least. “Maybe, uh, could you explain to him what’s going on-”

 

“Of course I will.” Yosuke snapped, the words practically dripping with unexplained anger; even Teddie was noticing that there was more to whatever was happening right now. “Just go on without me.” Before anyone else could respond, Yosuke roughly grabbed Kou’s arm (said boy had been attempting to follow the conversation in a silent, stunned stupor) and shoved him through the exit, “accidentally” letting him land harshly on the hard floor of Junes; nevertheless, guilt flooded over him when he heard the other boy’s pained cry. What was wrong with him anymore?

 

Luckily, no one was around (as expected.) The teens sat up straight; Yosuke struggled to rein in his emotions, while Kou stared helplessly at him, his eyes rather creepily reminiscent of a deer caught in some huge-ass headlights. “D-Did that really just happen…?!?”

 

Yosuke huffed, unable to restrain the fresh flash of annoyance directed towards Kou. Except annoyance was a bit of an understatement, considering how much Kou had decided to fucking steal from him… “No, you’re just really fucking high off the the fumes from that shit they clean the gym with. Of _course_ it fucking happened, dumbass.”

 

Kou frowned. “Come on, man. Don’t be an asshole…” He tilted his head, his eyes suddenly narrowing. “Y’know, Souji’s been acting pretty weird about you lately. You didn’t say anything, did you?” Without Kou’s intention or even realization, the words came out with a hard edge; it hadn’t quite sunk in that Souji was… even stronger than he had thought and he obviously didn’t need Kou’s protection. (Or really need _him_ , for that matter…)

 

Yosuke thought he’d been pissed before, but _this_ was just too fucking much. Kou was really gonna try to pull off that protective boyfriend trope? Like hell!

 

Yosuke didn’t back down, didn’t consider the fact that Kou and Daisuke the only people who had really talked to him without ties to the Investigation Team or some selfish ulterior motive. “Maybe I am, _Kou._ What the fuck would you do about it?’’

 

For a moment, Kou simply looked appalled, his eyes glistening with disbelief and hurt; then his features pulled down in a scowl. “Well, _Yosuke-”_ he’d noticed how the other boy had tried to put emphasis on the name he’d previously hated, but that obviously wasn’t what had pissed him off, “-what would you do if someone who was supposed to be your friend went and started shit with you for no fucking reason?” In a way, he was glad to be arguing with him; this way, he wasn’t thinking about whatever the hell had just happened.

 

“I’d probably stop acting like a little bitch and kick their ass!” It was like someone else was speaking, like his shadow had returned and was making Yosuke into a total asshole.

 

For a moment, it looked like Kou just might take on Yosuke’s suggestion; then his shoulders sagged, his brow creasing. “You always seemed like such a cool guy. Me n’ Daisuke loved talking to you, and Souji thinks you’re a goddamn miracle…” Kou slowly shook his head. “What happened?”

 

“You know exactly what happened!”

 

Kou’s eyes narrowed. “You need to grow some balls! It’s not like I stole your girl or something for the love of _fuck-”_

“Don’t tell _me_ to grow some balls, _you’re_ the one that fucking sucks them!” God, that was cringey the moment he said it, but he could neither take it back nor come up with a better insult, so…

 

Kou chuckled wryly. “Wow, Yosuke.” He crossed his arms over his chest, the way he always did. “I’m going to pretend like this didn’t happen for Souji’s sake, but if you _ever_ run your mouth like this to Souji or hurt him in any way…” His eyes conveyed his intentions better than words ever could, and after a few tense moments he turned and silently walked away.

 

Yosuke’s breath was trapped in his throat. What the hell was wrong with Kou…? What the hell was wrong with _himself?_ He couldn’t go back in the TV, God he didn’t want to even live in Inaba anymore, not with how much he’d fucked everything up…

 

Without making a sound, he headed to the men’s restroom, just like old times, back before Souji, back before Saki… Even now, thinking of her made his heart fucking break, for the love of _fuck_ couldn’t he do a single goddamned thing _right…?_

As always, there was no one in this particular restroom at all. Of the two stalls, one was directly under the light, the other off to the side, dark and abandoned. Yosuke went into this one; it had been his since Junes had first came into his life, the place he hid when there were too many people harassing him while he was at work for a raise or some money or just because they hated the fact that he existed.

 

He hadn’t been in here since he’d met Saki; she’d made him feel like he could face anything. And a voice he didn’t want to listen to commented, _Except she was lying, just like everyone else that pretends to care about you._ Letting out a low groan, he slumped against the wall, feeling far-too-familiar teardrops drag down his face. Everything had changed since then and nothing had changed at all. No, that wasn’t right- _Yosuke_ hadn’t changed at all. He was still that piece of shit his Shadow had claimed him to be, wasn’t he?

 

Why had he said that to Kou? Why was he so fucking pissed and miserable and- God, why was he so fucking _jealous?_ Why was it so hard to believe it was _only_ because Souji didn’t spend time with Yosuke so much anymore?

 

It was all such a fucking mess. He felt guilty but also as if he’d been the one in the right at the same time- nothing made fucking sense anymore. And what could he do about it?

 

Absolutely nothing, so he just stayed there and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck I'm sorry this sucks and i still don't understand how to work AO3 I'm sorry this is so late I suck.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh fuck I suck so much I know Ohmygod I have lost most of my confidence in my writing and honestly if anyone actually reads this and likes it please comment because that would literally mean everything to me or not that’s fine too. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy my extremely gay Persona fanfic train wreck!


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